These pictures of my mom, wow, she drove me crazy on vacation, but they are priceless. Just a few short weeks after we arrived home from Hilton Head we found out that her cancer had spread to her brain. It was a rough couple of months for her, and for the rest of us as well. Amazingly though, she was really beginning to feel better.
The past few days though she has been having the same "symptoms" that she began having on our beach trip. She is tired, so dizzy spells, and nausea. Being the automatic pessimist my mind begins to turn to the worst. I have been lying in bed for an hour, mind racing, unable to sleep.
I play out all kinds of scenarios in my head. Maybe she will not make it to Thanksgiving, Christmas, Libby's first dance recital. So now, I sit here in tears, on the eve of Libby's first day of preschool, and my first day back for fall quarter mentally preparing. For what? I can not answer that question. For anyone else who has dealt with a sick parent I imagine they have been in my shoes. My mom is only fifty two, that is so young. I have so much unfinished business with her, but with Stage four metatasitc cancer I know that our time is limited. What makes it more difficult possibly is her spirit and her belief that she will be cured. I know that this is how she copes, and I never would do anything to compromise that, but, I think that it makes it that much harder for me. She has all of these plans, and I know that she most likely will not get to live them out.
I think what scares me the most is her relationship with Libby. My baby loves her Nan so much. The bond between them is incredible. Knowing that heartache is going to occur in my daughters life just about kills my soul. I just want Libby to have her Nan for as long as possible. The sad thing is my grandmother is still living and is mean as hell, not because she is senile, she just is mean. She always has been. My little girl has a wonderful loving Nan that will lose so young, and I have a mean uncaring one that hangs around.
Enough rambling for tonight. If you read, keep my crazy mind in your thoughts.
2 comments:
I'm so sorry. I hope you get to spend some good time in the time she has left. My dad died seven years ago, and he'd lost his will to live very quickly. He wanted to go fast, we think. Hopefully her will to live keeps her positive and bright and happy for as long as you can have her here with you.
Wendy, I don't know what's worse for the terminally ill: having no hope, or having too much hope. My great-aunt died when she didn't have to, because she had no hope....but it's heartwrenching to watch someone dying when they don't think they will. You have more strength than I ever could...
Sounds dumb, but try not to think about it. One thing I learned through Hospice is to live in the moment and don't take anything for granted. I think you are embracing that by taking trips with your Mom, spending as much time as possible with her, and just letting Libby enjoy her Nana time.
The end will be so hard. But look how happy you have made her, and how happy she has made you through Libby....
Hugs to you and your overworked brain.
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