This boy

Has completely stole my heart.  He is happy, earnest, busy, fast, always hungry, milk loving, and always makes people smile.  What an amazing little man I have been blessed with.

What makes this picture all that much better is that he had just stole a cookie and was running under the tree to have a bm.....

A letter to my daughter

Libby,

We went shopping today.  You witnessed me try on clothes.  You witnessed me being unsure about this new body that I am living in.  You heard me fret over putting on four pounds.  I just sent you to bed, and I am filled with sadness that you watched me do all of these things today.

We live in a world that places a huge emphasis on the female bodies.  So much that right now since I do not fit the typical mold of a female body I struggle to find clothes.  I struggle to feel comfortable in my skin.  Give me time and understanding dear daughter as I want to set a better example for you.

I am so proud of my body.  It carried you for over nine months.  Each of those silvery lines across my stomach is a mark of beauty.  My arms held you.  My ears listened for each of your cries, your first laughs, words, and now the amazing ideas that you share.  My breasts fed you for fourteen months.  Those of some of the most wonderful and beautiful things the human body can do.

I want you to be proud of your body too.  Your strong muscles that pull you across the pool.  The brown dots that I have watch appear on you one by as you grow are marks of beauty.  Your infectious smile and sparking hazel eyes.   You are getting ready to enter years of your life where boys will notice you.  Be confident in who you are.  You do not have to be nearly naked in a bikini to get a boy to notice.  Be proud of your intelligence and use it.  God makes each of us perfect creatures.  You my daughter are perfect.

Know that as I change and you change that we are okay, perfect in our own ways.  Know that I made changes in my body for you, to be here for you.  My prayer for you is that you never have to make that choice.

My Libby girl, always know how much I love you.

Mama

Boobs.....

Now that I don't have them I feel like I spend an awful amount of time searching for new ones.  Today I am hung up on how one can be perceived as sexy/attractive without them.  I won't go any further as there is a good chance my dad/in laws/ and children will read this.  I will say that we as a society have an unreal fixation on breasts.  Me I just have nipple envy.

I still have not got the camera.  It is becoming an issue.  I just went through cancer treatment.  A girl deserves a trip to Disney, or a camera, or something.... right?!

I am going out tonight with the EDC.  That is a good thing!

The real reason I want a fancy camera

Now that I have shifted from the patient to survivor I am learning how to navigate many new feelings.  One of those feelings is the overwhelming fear that I am not going to get raise my children.  I have said it time and time again that although I miss my mother I am so grateful that she was here to raise us.  I have been harping on Mike that I want a fancy camera knowing fully we should not spend the money.  I mentioned it in front of my father and was soundly scolded.  I have a perfectly good point and shoot.  I want a very simple Canon digital single lens reflex.  I have this overwhelming need to take more pictures of the kids....  if I am not here I want them to see themselves the way I see them.  I know it seems silly, and I am sure my itty bitty power shot would capture them....  I guess I just want more.  I have a hard time talking about it, sometimes these fears are best left not spoken.

I have created a plan since I feel guilty over the money... I am selling stuff....

My day today summed up in a couple of cell phone photos...