Time keeps on tickin'

So the family in this picture is mine.  I think back to when I started this blog.  The ten year old girl in this picture was about her little brother's age.  We had not even thought of him when I started this blog.  I look at the two grown ups.... we were still kids when we met.  Me just shy of 18, and him nearly 21.  Sixteen years, twelve married.  We have been through some heavy stuff.  Heavy Stuff.  My mom's cancer, my mom's death, his job loss, his mom's cancer, my cancer.  Too much heavy stuff in 12 years of marriage.  Yet, here we are.  Healthy (I think), happy (most of the time), and smiling.

This picture means a lot to me.  I looked back to our pictures from last fall.  They are beautiful.  They show every line of worry etched in my face.  This picture shows Wendy 2.0.  Lopsided padded chest, short crazy hair, but I do not see the worry.

I survived my first quarter of classroom teaching online.  Libby survived her first nine week of fifth grade.  Something is going on at school with her that I can not quite pin point.  I just want to raise a happy and confident girl.  Her school conference was tense with tears despite a straight A report card, a different girl full of confidence and excitement was at her gifted meeting the following night.

It the little spare time I have I am writing a book based on my experience with breast cancer.  It has the BEST TITLE EVER.  You will have to wait for that.  I doubt it will ever get published because I am a lousy writer.  Like the speaking events I have done it is good to get my thoughts out.

Fat....

So, I have put on 21 pounds since this time last year.....

I am not even sure how that happened, but I can tell you I can account for the last ten since finishing treatment and starting Tamoxifen.  I weigh today as much as I weighed the day I delivered Libby.  That is SCARY!

I would love to be one of those people who blamed it on Tamoxifen, but I just can't.   My weight gain is due to poor diet of too much food, a soda addiction, and like of activity.

I have realized I need to set goals for myself.

My goal for this week is to be consistent with weight watchers.  I need that visual reminder.

My goal for this month, ending November 16th is to 5% of my body weight.  It is a reachable goal.

I am tempted to ask for a clinical weight loss program, but I know what I need to do.

I have friends who have done diet trends, no carbs, advocare, raspberry ketones....  nothing wrong with any of those, but I need a long term plan.  Oh, and everything I read about the ketones is they turn to estrogen in your body....  a big fat NO for me!

Not enough hours in the day....

Work is slowly getting better, or maybe worse... I do not even know at this point.  I work a lot.  I am taking a little break from working to blog.

I have been feeling eh.  A little achy.  I am not overly concerned as the Tamoxifen bottle has a list of side effects a mile long.  I do head up at the end of the month for my first survivor-ship appointment.  Praying daily that things are good.

Michael and I got out and got some fresh air yesterday.  I didn't realize quite how much we both needed it.

The I 77 time warp...

Every year the drive home from Hilton Head gets longer. Yesterday we spent 14 hours traveling. 14 hours.... There was a stop at Chick Fil A for lunch and Bob Evans for dinner, and one potty break. Traffic was backed up and we went over a mountain. It rained and that slowed us down. We got home and Mike started opening two weeks of mail. Fun statement from the insurance company saying they did not cover my radiation.... take a breath.... in the amount of $98,000. Don't worry, we are not liable. If we were it wouldn't matter, who has that kind of money? Vacation, despite the exhaustion of being with a toddler and sand being everywhere was really wonderful. We have had a quiet day at home. Mike mowed, I went to the store, Michael took a good nap, clothes have been washed. Some highlights of vacation... 1. Seeing alligators in their natural habitat at the Savannah Wildlife Refuge 2. Driving in circles in Savannah looking for the Juliette Gordon Low home, only to realize on our fourth pass it was covered in scaffolding and tarps. 3. Driving over the mountain, seeing a battle field. 4. Having great family time. 5. Being able to talk about real concerns with a good friend and her getting it.

Letting Michael stand on the air conditioner to watch Libby and Mike swim.  Realizing later on that this second story window opens...parenting fail. 

Scooping at the beach.  We scooped a lot of sand. 

The kids had a lot of tents.... :)

Vacationing

It dawned on me this morning that this is the longest I have ever been away from our house... It is being stayed in as our dog is too old to travel for boarding, or even staying with family. Last week was wonderful. We live in such a fast paced world that it was good to just visit. Kids stayed in jammies, we drank coffee, and giggled way too much. Shannon was as always the impeccable host. I just wish she had reason to stay with us so I could return the hospitality. Libby and I spent the day at Williamsburg last Wednesday. We did it without tickets and while we had a good time we have all but planned a return trip over spring break with tickets. The only thing I can compare it to is a historical Disneyland. Regardless we felt we missed out on the learning parts. I still feel I made the right choice as one day would have been a poor use of funds. Our beach week has been interesting thus far. Michael has been very busy, so relaxing really isn't part of the plan. I wore my prothesis in the water (as the lady who sold them to me said I could) I have been squeezing salt water out of fake boobs for three days now. We went out to dinner Sunday evening. Libby choose Greek and our food was good. Michael was not content so we took turns going for walks. In regards to our condo, it is nice. The complex itself is nice too. The walk to the beach with all of our stuff and Michael is a bit much. They advertise a shuttle, but by the time we wait for it we could have aleady made the walk. We are on the ocean but behind a tidal marsh. I think we have decided that next summer we will be on the water... as in out the door and on the beach. We do get to look at some multimillon dollar beach front homes.... they rent weekly starting at $11,000..... We made the choice to stay in last night. I made a creamy tomato shrimp sauce that was delicous.... shrimp had been caught yesterday morning. We had corn on the side, a reminder that somethings are still better in Ohio. I would post pictures, but there is no SD drive on the computer I am using.

This boy

Has completely stole my heart.  He is happy, earnest, busy, fast, always hungry, milk loving, and always makes people smile.  What an amazing little man I have been blessed with.

What makes this picture all that much better is that he had just stole a cookie and was running under the tree to have a bm.....

A letter to my daughter

Libby,

We went shopping today.  You witnessed me try on clothes.  You witnessed me being unsure about this new body that I am living in.  You heard me fret over putting on four pounds.  I just sent you to bed, and I am filled with sadness that you watched me do all of these things today.

We live in a world that places a huge emphasis on the female bodies.  So much that right now since I do not fit the typical mold of a female body I struggle to find clothes.  I struggle to feel comfortable in my skin.  Give me time and understanding dear daughter as I want to set a better example for you.

I am so proud of my body.  It carried you for over nine months.  Each of those silvery lines across my stomach is a mark of beauty.  My arms held you.  My ears listened for each of your cries, your first laughs, words, and now the amazing ideas that you share.  My breasts fed you for fourteen months.  Those of some of the most wonderful and beautiful things the human body can do.

I want you to be proud of your body too.  Your strong muscles that pull you across the pool.  The brown dots that I have watch appear on you one by as you grow are marks of beauty.  Your infectious smile and sparking hazel eyes.   You are getting ready to enter years of your life where boys will notice you.  Be confident in who you are.  You do not have to be nearly naked in a bikini to get a boy to notice.  Be proud of your intelligence and use it.  God makes each of us perfect creatures.  You my daughter are perfect.

Know that as I change and you change that we are okay, perfect in our own ways.  Know that I made changes in my body for you, to be here for you.  My prayer for you is that you never have to make that choice.

My Libby girl, always know how much I love you.

Mama

Boobs.....

Now that I don't have them I feel like I spend an awful amount of time searching for new ones.  Today I am hung up on how one can be perceived as sexy/attractive without them.  I won't go any further as there is a good chance my dad/in laws/ and children will read this.  I will say that we as a society have an unreal fixation on breasts.  Me I just have nipple envy.

I still have not got the camera.  It is becoming an issue.  I just went through cancer treatment.  A girl deserves a trip to Disney, or a camera, or something.... right?!

I am going out tonight with the EDC.  That is a good thing!

The real reason I want a fancy camera

Now that I have shifted from the patient to survivor I am learning how to navigate many new feelings.  One of those feelings is the overwhelming fear that I am not going to get raise my children.  I have said it time and time again that although I miss my mother I am so grateful that she was here to raise us.  I have been harping on Mike that I want a fancy camera knowing fully we should not spend the money.  I mentioned it in front of my father and was soundly scolded.  I have a perfectly good point and shoot.  I want a very simple Canon digital single lens reflex.  I have this overwhelming need to take more pictures of the kids....  if I am not here I want them to see themselves the way I see them.  I know it seems silly, and I am sure my itty bitty power shot would capture them....  I guess I just want more.  I have a hard time talking about it, sometimes these fears are best left not spoken.

I have created a plan since I feel guilty over the money... I am selling stuff....

My day today summed up in a couple of cell phone photos...