It's an itching fear....

I'm covered in hives... my neck, my chest, my back.  I nearly had a panic attack when I realized I forgot my antihistamine when the man and I were away last night.  Nothing says romantic anniversary get a way like a wife digging at her skin.  I wish these bumps were just that, but they are not.  My lovely redness comes from some pretty heavy anxiety.  From the new job? Oh, how I wish.  My little red friends are coming from the results of an abnormal mammogram and ultrasound.   I'm calling it the breast who betrayed me.  I found a lump while still nursing at the end of July.  Actually, the man found it, insert blush here.  I had it checked, we took a wait and watch approach.  Alas, it is still here at the end of September, so I made the call.   I had my first ever mammogram on Friday.  It really wasn't that bad.  Since I can feel the said invader it wasn't a surprise when the digital screen showed a nice sized glow.  The let down came when I got to sit around in a lovely hospital issue bathrobe and wait for the radiologist to come and share that it had abnormal edges and that it needed a biopsy.  It gets even more fun when you get the privilege of waiting an entire weekend to schedule said biopsy.
To say that I am freaking out would be an understatement.  Every possible thought has gone through my head.  Every.possible.thought.  The reality of it not being BAD is 80%.  Still the invader that left my life five and a half years ago when my mom passed seems to be knocking on my door.  That's the problem, I know too much.  I've seen too much.  I was only the passenger in that journey, but I don't care to be the driver on that road.  The entire time the radiologist was talking to me my inner voice was on full volume screaming BUT I AM ONLY 32, I HAVE TWO BABIES!!!!!!!!!

I've spent some time praying these past few days.  It dawned on me this morning that I can pray and pray that it is not cancer, but the reality is, that if it is, it's already there.  There's not a thing anyone can do to change that.  I can pray that I calm down.  I can pray that the nurse does call me in the morning.  I can pray for the doctors who will do the biopsy and reading.  I can pray for my husband, and my kids.  I can pray for the strength to tell my dad.  So, if it is bad, the bad has already happened. And if its good I can be an advocate for women to have things checked out.