An ode to my breasts...

I probably should have wrote this before surgery but alas here I am two weeks out.  The funny thing is I don't really miss them.  Do I miss filling out a shirt, a little.  I think the only thing I don't like is that post mastectomy they don't match.  Skin was left for when I am mentally ready for a new set, but the cancer side is smaller than the non cancer side.  I will not be ready for prosthesis until Christmas, so I guess instead of all I want for Christmas is my two front teeth I will be singing all I want for Christmas is two fake breasts.  I really only want those for special occasions where clothes call for it.  I'm still me, even without breasts.

My breasts served me well for twenty years.  It was a good run.  They got me too much attention during junior high and high school.  I am pretty sure Mike was pretty into them when he met me. Actually I'm almost positive he was into them until we discovered they were trying to kill me.  They filled out some pretty great bras that I just can't bare to part with.  Their proudest accomplishment was feeding my two children for a combined 26 months.  Even riddled with unknown cancer towards the end it was still producing milk before it was lopped off.   Amazing how the human body works.

So I guess my thoughts just make me different.  Good riddance I say.  I will say that I am concerned that my poor son with only ever remember mommy with fake ones and may or may not grow up with a fascination for silicone.

I am not a percent....

My rather inconsiderate neighbor just told Mike that I have a 50/50 chance of making it.  Seriously, really, come on.  How can you look at the man who's wife was diagnosed with breast cancer and say something like that.

To be truthful, I've looked at the statistics.  I KNOW what they say.  I lived in fear of those numbers for about forty eight hours and then said fuck it.  (I can say that word now) I can not live through this being a statistic.   After Mike told me,  I said I've always been a good student, so let's hope for the best.

We do not have a stage, or a grade, or even know if this has spread.  My neighbor is not what one would call an educated person, but still.

I'm not worried about prognosis.  I've had to very quickly face my mortality.  I could just as easily get in a car accident tomorrow.  It happens.  I'm worried about getting through this surgery, recovering, getting through treatment, recovering, and taking care of my family.

So, if I make the evening news, you all know I popped her one.

It's an itching fear....

I'm covered in hives... my neck, my chest, my back.  I nearly had a panic attack when I realized I forgot my antihistamine when the man and I were away last night.  Nothing says romantic anniversary get a way like a wife digging at her skin.  I wish these bumps were just that, but they are not.  My lovely redness comes from some pretty heavy anxiety.  From the new job? Oh, how I wish.  My little red friends are coming from the results of an abnormal mammogram and ultrasound.   I'm calling it the breast who betrayed me.  I found a lump while still nursing at the end of July.  Actually, the man found it, insert blush here.  I had it checked, we took a wait and watch approach.  Alas, it is still here at the end of September, so I made the call.   I had my first ever mammogram on Friday.  It really wasn't that bad.  Since I can feel the said invader it wasn't a surprise when the digital screen showed a nice sized glow.  The let down came when I got to sit around in a lovely hospital issue bathrobe and wait for the radiologist to come and share that it had abnormal edges and that it needed a biopsy.  It gets even more fun when you get the privilege of waiting an entire weekend to schedule said biopsy.
To say that I am freaking out would be an understatement.  Every possible thought has gone through my head.  Every.possible.thought.  The reality of it not being BAD is 80%.  Still the invader that left my life five and a half years ago when my mom passed seems to be knocking on my door.  That's the problem, I know too much.  I've seen too much.  I was only the passenger in that journey, but I don't care to be the driver on that road.  The entire time the radiologist was talking to me my inner voice was on full volume screaming BUT I AM ONLY 32, I HAVE TWO BABIES!!!!!!!!!

I've spent some time praying these past few days.  It dawned on me this morning that I can pray and pray that it is not cancer, but the reality is, that if it is, it's already there.  There's not a thing anyone can do to change that.  I can pray that I calm down.  I can pray that the nurse does call me in the morning.  I can pray for the doctors who will do the biopsy and reading.  I can pray for my husband, and my kids.  I can pray for the strength to tell my dad.  So, if it is bad, the bad has already happened. And if its good I can be an advocate for women to have things checked out.

Baby boy time has gone to quick

My baby will be one year old tomorrow.  My sweet little guy who has filled our lives with so much joy and happiness.  He's the boy that you look at and you just can't help but smile.  My little surprise after so many years.  Happy birthday sweet boy.  The world is in your hands, we can't wait to see how you will change it.

Bucket List Update

I feel the need to update, so I have copied and pasted our bucket list below and I shall add some notes!

Swim
Yes, we have swam.  Unfortunately I feel we spend too much swim team time at the pool and not enough just swim time at the pool.  I hope to change that this week!  Swim team is going well though and my little swimmer continues to develop her skills.  

Read
I have read three books and I am looking for more titles.  Libby has checked out about 50 different books from the library in the past three weeks.  She has been devouring anything about ancient Egypt and Greece.  This week she has shifted gears and got some American Girl books and is currently reading through each dolls six book series.  The problem, or not problem is that she finishes all six books in a day.

Sleep in
We have been doing a little sleeping in.  Not as much as this mommy would like.  This mommy has a baby again though so I'll take what I can get.

Encourage Libby to develop her writing skills more
Not yet.  I opened up her blog the other day but she wasn't really interested.  I think I may give her some writing prompts.

Go to the Beach
Not yet, not sure?!?

Visit grandparents
This weekend.

Visit Cousins
YTBD

Use up are supply of craft materials (that little brother discovered this week)
Not enough.  Must get on pinterest to be inspired.

Catch lightning bugs
A few.  I think they may have all perished from the heat.

Spend time with friends and not call it a play date
Yes, not as much as this mom would like.  We have had some impromptu playtime none the less.

Go on dates with my husband
One date.  Need more.

Find a teaching job
Praying that I get a call tomorrow.  Went on an interview.  Have a small internal love affair with the position.  Will be disappointed if I do not hear anything.

Camp
Not yet.

Eat vegetables from our garden
I think this should happen within the next week!


We also made a trip to Slate Run farm to see the animals.  I need to do more with my loves. 

Summer Bucket List

Lib and I were talking about this summer and these are the things we would like to happen before we go back to school in August....

In no particular order

Swim
Read
Sleep in
Encourage Libby to develop her writing skills more
Go to the Beach
Visit grandparents
Visit Cousins
Use up are supply of craft materials (that little brother discovered this week)
Catch lightning bugs
Spend time with friends and not call it a play date
Go on dates with my husband
Find a teaching job
Camp
Eat vegetables from our garden


I'm sure we will be able to add more soon.

Growing up

2009 was an interesting year for me. The best part of 2009 was that I think I may have finally grown up. I have had to do some real soul searching, I still am, but I have finally turned a corner on this road we call life.

I have had many new people enter life. I am working on getting to know people better. I am working on making new friends, not my strong point, and shedding some old ones that do nothing but make me feel bad about myself. Why are women like that? Why are women mean?

I'm not perfect. Far from it actually. I stink at being a homemaker. I have Martha Stewart visions on a Goodwill budget and a procrastination shopper card with high points. I value things like an education, being kind, and learning to not talk about others behind their backs. I am learning to take the high road, and that sometimes it is just better to keep your mouth shut.

I hope to forge some new friendships this year with wonderful women that I have met. Women who care about their kids, their marriages, their God. Women who can accept each other for their perfections and imperfections. Women who come from different backgrounds. Women who don't care if you have a Coach person, or if you do, if you live in a mansion or a shack.

I spent a lot of years trying to be something I was not. This year I just plan on being me. Thirty is not so bad after all.

My oh my, how we have grown!

Sharp Farms had a pumpkin blight in 2007 so we do not have a picture from that year. And I just noticed that the date is wrong on our camera.... we have not moved forward to 2178..... you get the idea though. Look how much my kiddo has grown! She only needs another 13 inches to reach me!

Books, books, books!

The kiddo is a reader. I am thrilled she is a reader. I was not as a child until I discovered "The Babysitters Club" in second grade. I read those faithfully.

I am struggling though with good books for her to read. We have read many of what I consider to be the classics. Charlotte's Web, Stuart Little, some of the Little House Series. Those were books seriously lacking in my childhood, that I love as an adult.

Yesterday she came home with Diary of a Wimpy Kid. I was not sure what to think. The title alone was a put off. While the reading is easy for her, what about the content. I have spent the better half of the morning trying to decide if this is something she should be reading or not.

So how do you decide what your children should read, what is appropriate? What crosses the line?

Did you know......

Remember way back when you would save your college papers, speeches, essays, etc.... and recycle them, or "loan" them to a friend for rewording, or gasp, REUSE?

Come to find out in our great age of technology this may not be an option any more! Can you believe this? I found out in class last night that professors are now scanning in student papers into databases and checking to see if they match other papers in there. One site called Turnitin.com is doing this now! While I have never blatantly reused the same paper word for word over again, I have taken my own work and revamped it to fit a new assignment.

While I understand the need for students to create unique and original work for each class, after all you are there to learn, it just seems like this could be taking it a bit far. I feel that it is a wonderful tool to check for plagiarism, but my question is... can you be punished for plagiarizing yourself?

To quote one of my favorite professors syllabus.... it's my intellectual property... you can not use it.

I'm scared...

But, I am putting on a brave face. We went to meet the teacher tonight and our new school. Our teacher was very nice and personable, and as the kiddo said, pretty.

But, all of the work that was placed out on the desk seemed easy, really easy. Now most of my teacher friends, would say "Wendy, you know all teachers review these first few weeks." and I know that. Her Language Arts textbook was full of things she learned and mastered in kindergarten. While I know that we made the best choice keeping her where she was last year, now I am worried she is too far ahead for this year. We talked a while tonight about how things may seem easy for her at first, and how no matter what she needs to do her very best.

Bored kids lead to mischievous kids.

Oh, and another thing, I am going to miss her. Really, really miss her. I don't know if it is because it is just the two of us. But I am sad. I heard parents talking about celebrating that their kids are going back. Honestly, I would rather have her with me. Sad, is it not?

So here is to a lot of praying for easy transitions, and a good school year.

Coupon Trip Pictures

Oh, and trust me, this is the only picture you will ever see of me in a swim suit!

Passing time

For the time being I am a non working mommy. I think this is the first time in six years that I have not had a part time paying job. Just because I am not working does not mean I am not busy. First and foremost I have really been enjoying spending time with Libby. We have been going to the pool, playing with friends, and just have a lot of girl time.

We took our "coupon trip" this week. She has been begging to visit Kings Island all summer. I price lined a hotel room in Cincinnati. We got the Sheraton for $50! This Sheraton had a CoCo Key in it. I found buy one get one free coupons, so we went to CoCo Key for $20 for the afternoon. The entertainment book had a coupon for the hotel restaurant so we had a great dinner too! We went to KI the following day and had a great time. My little girl has not inherited my thrill seeking ways. I talked her into going on the "Beastie" (I can not call it the Fairly Odd Coaster, just seems wrong). She screamed the entire time, and not the happy this is fun scream, the I am scared to death, I hate you for talking me into this mom scream.

I am working on the campaign full swing now. I need to order some signs, and start networking more. I plan on really diving into things once school starts.

I also am working on an idea for a (American Girl) doll tea. I want to call it Nan's Tea in memory of my mom, and donate the proceeds to charity.

Swim Team

The kiddo spent her first summer on the swim team at the pool we spend our summers out. I can not even begin to say how proud of her that I am. Not proud because she is a great swimmer, but proud of how she has grown as a little lady this summer.

There has not been one new experience that she has not struggled adjusting too since my mom died. She has always been a little clingy, but when Nan passed away she became much more so. She loves school, and dance, and gymnastics, but each of them has included tears, extra hugs and kisses, more tears, more hugs and kisses, and finally me pushing her into the room.

She cried the first day of swim practice... she was scared. There has not been one tear since unless she was hurt. This is a really big step in her really short life.

I am also very proud of the friends she choose to make on the team. She has befriended several very sweet little girls, and mostly on her own. No pushing from us to go talk to people. These may not be friends she always stays close with, but friends she will have each summer as they swim together.

Swimming is such a great sport for kids. She has learned to push herself, that is not about beating someone else or winning, but doing your best, what ever that may be.

Thoughts on this morning...

Mike and I are now ushers at church. I messed up one part, he did not. I am pretty sure God will forgive me this one time.

We did not have the usual sermon this morning, but a speaker from Gideon. You know the people that pass the little Bible's out and make sure there is one in every hotel room. I was really enjoying what he had to say. For a fleeting moment I even thought this is something Mike and I could do in the future. One of the really wonderful things about this organization to me is that the money donated only goes to Bibles. The representatives travel on their own dime. I will fully admit that when my daughter was handed a little Bible at the fair last year that I was a little dumb struck that they gave her one. After thinking about it, they just give you a Bible. There is no harm in that. There is none of the "come to our church, we have a young minister", or "our kids programs are the best, why would you want to go somewhere else?" evangelism involved. The stories that he had to tell in his fabulous Australian accent made it that much better. People coming to find the Lord as their savior all because of a little Bible they were given. That is powerful to me.

Then, he started talking about Muslims, and how we Christians are persecuted in Muslim countries because of our beliefs. While I agree that this happens, what about how we persecute Muslims in our own country. I live my life as a Christian, all of my imperfections are put out there for God, and most everyone else to see. I truly believe that we all worship one God. Whether we call him our God, Allah, Father, or Friend, the important thing is that we believe and that we live our lives as good people. I know that there are many who would not agree with me on this. I just feel that when we are teaching our children that one religion or another is bad and wrong, that we are teaching them to judge. Our judgement will come and it will not be from our neighbor, or the person in the pew next to us.

I'm kind of lonely....

After my husband being home with a year and being my constant companion, I am kind of lonely now that he is gone. I know, it is just for a week, and while I miss him, I am not yet longing for him to be home quite yet either.

If you know me in real life, I am not calling out for you to call me to hang out.

Our lives were so up in the air that I am just going to need time to adjust to this new normal.

Libby wants to order pizza, and I just may give in. Think of it as my reward for bathing the dog.

Where to start...

These first few weeks of summer vacation have been busy. I can not believe that it is July already.

10 years ago tomorrow Mike asked if I would marry him.... I said yes! We joked last year on our seventh anniversary that 7 to 8 needed to be better that 6 to 7. It has been a good year, minus all the things we continue to break :)

Libby has swim team Monday through Friday, and swim meets on Wednesday nights. Who would have thought that it seem to take over our lives some days. She is having so much fun swimming, making new friends, and building confidence that we do not care. She has place 4th four times, a couple of 8's and 9's, and one 12th. What I love best about swimming that it is not about beating or winning but improving yourself. We did have a rough spot last night when the third leg of her relay team refused to swim... Libby swam anchor and had her personal best. We then had to explain to her that they were disqualified because the other little girl would not swim. She is over it, but there were some tears and a new book involved to make her feel better.

I am taking an education class this summer. I am working on a research project about teacher's code's of ethics and how they have changed over time. I am focusing particularly on female teachers and how their roles and behavior expectations have changed through the course of public education in our country.

Mike is leaving on Monday morning for a week for training for his new job. While we are very excited, and I mean VERY! I am a little nervous about him being gone. I am perfectly capable of running the house I am concerned about who is going to clean up when the cats vomit and taking out the trash. Just kidding, well maybe, honestly, pathetically, in the almost eight years we have been married we have never been apart this long. Send him your prayers in first flight ever.

We went to a funeral on Wednesday for the father of our rector. Funny, even after being through the death of a parent myself I never know what to say. Mike, Libby, and I were talking about it, and it seems as Christians our goal is to live good lives as believers, and ultimately live our eternal lives in heaven. In this case it was the death of a gentle, kind, and caring man who lived a full 87 years. While I know his family is going to miss him, I also know they are rejoicing knowing that he is in heaven, and that they will be with him again some day. I need to get my thoughts together and find the appropriate words to put into a card without sounding so generic. Father Bill and family, if you would happen to read this I am thankful for your father's life. We will pray for all of you as you transition to earthly life without him. I thank your father for the wonderful lesson of love that he showed our family each week in church sitting with Billie, and the wonderful lesson that was shared during the funeral yesterday.

Have a happy and safe fourth!

Busy times

Libby's best "boy" buddy Dru.... she calls him Moo Moo for some reason?

Libby and Mrs. Kenney, her teacher at Kindergarten graduation!

The end of our school year was a sad time. It was Libby's last year at her wonderful school. Mike and I are saddened, but excited for new things for her all the same. It was also my last year teaching there. With some diligence, and the help of the good Lord I will be a college graduate this time next year.

In very important news, Mike was offered a job. He is to start July 6th. This really long year has helped us grow in many different ways. One of the most important things we have learned is that prayer does work, but the things that we pray for may not be the things we need. We are most certainly part of something much bigger. Someone asked Mike if we had grown this year, are reply is no, we have aged! Thank you for your prayers, and many kind words during this time. A million thank yous would never be enough. Continue to pray for Mike as he makes this huge transition from at home dad to working dad again, and as I make the transition from working mama to full time student looking for part time work mama.

We are still practicing our 30 day challenge which I need to update. I have a paper to write, so after that I will get busy.

Libby asked us today if squirrels have parties with music in the country when it rains. I often wonder about what she does not ask us that goes through her mind?

The news this morning

I may strike a nerve with some, but I need to share my thoughts about this Daniel living in Minnesota.  The Today show ran a story about a 13 year old boy who is no longer taking chemo therapy for non Hodgkin's lymphoma and how his mother is being sued.  I take this stuff personally for a plethora of reasons.  

So do you believe in quantity of life (taking the chemo) or quality of life (not taking the chemo)?  

I believe in both.  When chemo changes from providing quality time to quantity of time is when change needs to occur in my opinion. 

Monday Ramblings

I am in a slump.

I started shredding, but fell off the band wagon. Sorry Leia.

I love teaching, but I am SO READY for this school year to be over.

It may show in my work. 

I need to lose 100 pounds, yet I am sitting here munching on sweet and spicy snack mix from Target. 

Libby picked up a crayola side walk chalk paint sprayer tonight with the rest of her birthday money.  It is fairly neat, but I am glad it was on sale.  You dilute the paint before you put it in the sprayer which reminds me of a modified super soaker.  She had fun before bed time though.  

Mike went to the movies tonight to see Star Trek, he is a dork, I knew this before I married him.  After the movie he is picking up our neighbor from the airport.  They may have to move, which makes me panicked and sad, among other things.  

I am going to use the rest of my Monday night to aimlessly stair at the television.