Wow, how my life has changed...

It has almost been a year since I have posted a blog. I have done a couple on My space, but I am not sure how I feel about that.

I spent so much time writing about how unsure of what the future would hold, and now it is here. The worst that I could imagine happened, and amazingly we all continue to live through it. I can not say that I went through the experience of losing my mom unscathed, because that would be a complete and bitter untruth, but I think I have came out on the other end a better person for what I went through.

First and foremost everyone must understand that caring for a dying person is the hardest work that you will ever do. You know the outcome, and your love is like that of when you see your newly born child. You want to soak up every inch and detail of their face, their hands, and wrinkle, every mark, the imprint must remain in your memory. My mom, bless her heart, her head was so swollen, stands of strangely brown and gray hairs traced across her head. Her eyes, still the most beautiful blue that you will ever see had lost that sparkle. Wrinkles from age and illness danced around her eyes. Even across her face she developed a little monkey like fuzz, that I know would have bothered her if she had still cared about those things.

The last few days must have been so hard for her to internally deal with. We had to make so many difficult decisions to enable us to keep her at home. And oh, god, the last day. I had to give my mother a suppository. She was sooooo mad at me. That still races through my mind that that was the last thing that I did for her. She took some pain medicine shortly after that, the second time in that whole journey that she had done so, and drifted off to what would be her last night.

The following morning when I arrived at the house, I knew that it had not been long since she had passed. I could still feel her there if that makes any sense. She was still warm when I touched her hand. By the time Eric and Andy arrived to take her to the funeral home that warmth, presence I had felt was gone. It was a whirl wind after that. I felt like every trace, except for the smell, of her illness was removed from the house within a few hours. She was there, and then just like that she was gone.

Approaching four months after the fact I would say that we are all dealing in our own way. I hate pink ribbons. people who speak of the cure. I know that I should not feel that way, I do want women to live, I just wanted my mom to be part of that group that got to live too, she loved life.

We were at a wedding reception last night, and a Bob Seager song came on. Affected by way too many spirits, I just lost it. I had to leave the room. I was that sad drunk that I do not want to be. I wonder if I will be haunted by certain songs, smells, stores for the rest of my life or if those things too will pass?

Recipe Share... Chicken Pot Pie

We always crave homestlye food during the fall and winter months. This was super yummy!

Chicken Pot Pie, Paula Deen

1 10oz can condensed cheddar cheese soup
1 10oz can cream of celery
1/2 cup milk
1 chicken skinned cooked boned and cubed
1 medium onion diced
1 10oz package frozen green peas
3 carrots sliced cooked and drained
salt and pepper to taste
1 pastry for top and bottom, I used premade but I will include her recipe, I was tired after roasting and boning the chicken
Butter to dot Pastry

In a large saucepan, heat soups, and milk. Stir in chicken, onion, peas, carrots, salt and pepper. Cook until mixture boils. Remove from heat. Preheat oven to 350. Pour into pastry lined 13*9*2 inch baking pan. Cut Pastry top into strips and lay over filling in a lattice style. Dot with butter and bake for 45 mins until golden brown.

I used kroger brand frozen pie crust and it was very good, but here is her recipe.

3 cups all purpose flour
1 teaspoon of salt
1/4 teaspoon of baking powder
3/4 cup of Crisco shortening
Ice Water

Sift together flour and salt and baking powder. Cut in shortening with a pastry blender until pieces are the size of small peas. Sprinkle one to two tablespoons of ice water over the mixture. Gently toss with fork. Push to side of bowl. Repeat until all moistened. Form into two balls. Roll with floured rolling pins from center to edge to 1/8 inch thick.


Mike said this was the best recipe that I have tried lately. I did make it with full fat soups, but I think that next time I may low fat everything and see how it turns out.

Enjoy!

Long Time, No Blog

Life at our house has been on the busy side the past week. I have had tests in every class that I am taking, and I will have one each week until the quarter is over. Ugh.... only four weeks left to go.

This past week was our county fair, it is the last one of the year in Ohio. We have one of those picture perfect fair grounds, and the leaves are changing. It just means fall to me. Like a dodo I forgot the camera last Sunday. It was a beautiful day, and Libby was thrilled as we all rode the ferris wheel. Did you know that Mr. Ferris invinted the Ferris Wheel to out do the Eiffel Tower?

My aunt and cousin were in town, and we had lunch at the bead shop Tuesday. It was great to see them. My cousin has a beautiful little baby boy, Paul. He is just all cute and cuddly, and a happy little five month old. I was glad to see my aunt see my mom. We just do not know what the future holds. They have been through a lot together, and it warms my heart to see them together. I am hoping that my mom stays healthy to travel to their home in northern Minnesota this spring.

On Wednesday I came down with an ailment that I do not like to talk about. Ever since I was pregnant with Libby I have had issues with gout. Yes, I know only eighty year old fat men suffer from this, but I do too. It is rather embaressing. I had not had a flare up in two years until this past week. My left toe swelled to look like half of a brautwurst. It was painful and disgusting. I was so sick on Thursday that I could not get off the couch with out cold sweats and nasuea. Thank goodness Mike was able to retrieve my natrual remedy of organic tart cherry juice and it only lasted for a day. It is almost back to normal today with just a little discoloration.

Yesterday was very very slow at work. I worry about my job. I know that Kathie will not let me go until she has too, but still, I hate to see business so slow for her. My new hobby, polymer clay beads have been selling well though, so that is a nice ego boost. Kathie is my mom's best friend from high school. We can chat very candidly about life after my mom. I know that she does not read this, but I really can not express how much comfort that it is that I will still have a mom friend like person in my life after my mom passes on. Whether that is in a few months or a few years I know that she will be there.

Last night we enjoyed pizza and Papa's crazy football channel flipping at my parents house. My father flips like no other. At one time I swear we were watching two football games, one baseball, and a nascar race. We had fun, and I really enjoy those times with my mom.

Today we went to the pumpkin patch. It was fun, but I still am slightly disappointed that they did not have baby pumpkins.

This week we have a lot on tap too. I have tests Wednesday and Thursday. Libby has aquired her first fall cold, and yet she has her hayride at preschool on Thursday, I hope that she feels better by then. Thursday night, we are going to the Circleville Pumpkin Show. It is a huge festival, and always lots of fun. The OSU Marching Band is playing in the parade, so I am trying to prepare my self for crazy crowds. I am looking forward to it though, we all are going... Mike, I, Libby, my mom, AND MY DAD. For those of you who know me in real like this sadly is a big deal. I look forward to spending precious time together as a family and making good memories.

Ohhh, and Mike flies for the first time next Saturday! I am so excited (and a little nervous for him.) He is cashing in his flight lesson gift certificate from Christmas last year. I will remember the camera for this!

Busy times

In most recent news I just finished registering to take the ACT test. Yes, that same one we all took in high school, how embarassing it will be to walk in there in December, but it must be done. I need a 21, and I only scored a 20 way back in 1996 when I was a junior in high school. It was either retake the ACT, or pay the big bucks to take the PRAXIS one. I just saved myself $300.

Last weekend we went to an outdoor event at one of our local parks, it is called Frontier Spirit. I have been attending since I was in grade school. They recreate what Zane's Trace, and life was like in our community 150 years ago. I had some pictures of Mike and Libby in the stocks, I can not seem to find them.

I had two tests in my western civ class this week, we get the grades back on them tomorrow. I am nervous as some of the questions were rather abstract.

Friday was our anniversery. We spent a fun day at the zoo. We were so tired when we arrrived home that we cancelled our reservations to the really nice resturant and opted for Texas Roadhouse instead. The food was very good.

Saturday I worked, and then we went to my parent's house to watch the OSU vs. Iowa game. It was nice spending time with them and munching on snack food.

Sunday we cleaned the house and went to the park. The weather has been seasonably warm, and we have been trying to enjoy it as much as we can.

As I type poor Mike is trying to get some kind of deceased animal out of the engine block of his work car. All I can say is GROSS. I am glad that it is not I.

A few pictures for sharing

Broken, Not Broken

As the title says the dryer may or may not be broken. It is leaving small black "burn" like marks on our clothing. Mike took the dryer apart last night and thinks that he knows what the problem is. We also went shopping for a new dryer just in case. So time will tell if my "college boy" husband can do the repair. I mean that term lovingly, sometimes it just takes him more than one try to fix things, and that is okay. I hope that we do not have to purchase a dryer, I was starting to get my hopes set on new living room furniture, and Miss Lib needs a big girl bed. How much longer can she sleep in the toddler bed?

Yesterday was long and longer. I worked, and business was slow. I did complete my first wire wrap piece. I must say I think I did a pretty good job. I can not get a good picture of it, but I will post one soon. Libby and Nan however had a good time making crafts, and eating macaroni and cheese and peaches. I am thankful that Libby is getting to make these memories.

I work again today, and then after the OSU game we are meeting my parents for dinner at a nice little pizza place.

Tomorrow, if the rain ever stops, we are going to what is called Frontier Spirit at a local park. I have been going since I was a little girl. They do a reenactment of what life was like when the Fairfield County area was first being settled. It is a lot of fun, and a great local history lesson.

Have a great weekend all.

Autumn has arrived.

I have much to report on this chilly Thursday morning.

It has been an eventful week in the area of my mom's health. We met with a Neurosurgeon at OSU on Tuesday who strongly recommended Gamma Knife Radiation for the lesions on her brain. We came home Tuesday prepared to have Gamma Knife on Friday. She met with a Radiation oncology yesterday at OSU. After conferring they have decided that it is much too dangerous to perform the Gamma Knife, they are going to wait six weeks and have a new MRI to reevaluate the situation. I was not able to go with her yesterday because I let it slip that if I missed class I would be missing an exam, and being parents they both insisted that I attend class. I feel that I am at a cross roads. Does this mean that my mom is on the road to death? I am just not sure I how I feel about the entire situation. I am taking her lead, and we are just having lots of fun and more importantly living! I did share with her that I wanted to make sure that we were all making the best choices possible, and I know that our time together is limited, but I am not ready for her to go anywhere. I am very thankful that I able to talk candidly with her about this.

On a lighter note Libby shared with her dance teacher last night that her "dry erase markers where out of dry erase!" I got a good belly laugh out of this, as did my mom and the dance teacher. I am so thankful to have this beautiful little girl in my life.

This is the end of the third week of the quarter, Yeah! Time flies when you put off studying. I have three days of tests next week, so I do need to start cracking the books. I think that I may be making some head way on school and decision choices. I have a very high interest in getting my PhD in history. After meeting with my wonderful advisor, a women, she has me very motivated to achieve this goal. I always worry if some of things I aspire to do are realistic having a family. She said that it may take me longer, but it is definitely possible. Libby and Mike come first, always, as they should, I am not one of these career women who wants to work ninety hours a week. That is one reason being a professor appeals to me so much. It is very family friendly.

Well off to class. Have a great one.

A good time

Yesterday I worked, as I do every Saturday. It was a slow day, but I accomplished two repairs that I had been putting off. One was a branch coral necklace, and the other a seed bead necklace that was twenty two inches long. The latter took forever.

Last night I met my dear friend Shannon who is in from Florida. We, along with Libby, her mom, her brother, and her mom's "friend" went to a jazz festival in Granville. The music was excellent, and Libby scored free ice cream. I had made the poor girl wait until we ate dinner before she could have ice cream. We walked down to the frozen custard place immediately after finishing. The owner was standing at the end of the line saying that they were closed. I explained to her that they were closed and that mommy and daddy would take her out for ice cream tomorrow. Poor thing came unglued, who can blame her, mommy had made her wait two hours. The owner told us to hold on a second and went and made her a small cone, and would not let me pay. Needless to say Libby was content for the rest of the evening.

Today I have done the dishes, and scrubbed the kitchen. I admire those women who keep immaculate homes, as I do not. It is clean, but very cluttered. I tried starting Fly Lady, but it is just not for me. So for now, I continue to clean on Sunday morning.

It is a beautiful day in Ohio, so I am sure we will finish off the day playing outside.

Week two comes to an end!

We have now survived week two of fall quarter. It went quick, and now we only have nine more weeks to go.

Libby started preschool again today, it was the first day with the entire class there. I am eager to begin a normal routine with this.

Her school is my topic for this blog. Like I have mentioned in previous blogs I consider us to just be a normal middle of the road family. We are by no means poor, but we are not rich either. With me still being in school there are some lean times, but we budget well and there are never problems. I am thankful that we vacation each year, and have money to do extra things like preschool, dance class, COSI, and dinners out. I know that most people in the world are not able to even do that.

So in Libby's preschool class most of the children come from the homes of doctor's and other executives. For instance last night we attended a birthday party that not only had a magician, but also pony rides, six kinds of ice cream, and the best goody bags I have ever seen. The party was lovely, as is the family, but wow, all that. I had to ask Libby as soon as we got in the car what kind of birthday party she wanted this year, and you know what she still said a groovy party (as in Groovy Girls). It made me feel good to know that what other children may have has not started to rub off on her yet.

There is a small part of me that worries that even though Libby is making friends at school that her friends parents may not want their children to buddy up with Libby because we do not live in a Mcmansion, and she will not attend a posh private school. Are people like that? I think that we are a perfectly nice family, and I would never do that.

I must admit though that I think I will have a problem for a while with her staying over (silly that I worry about this, I do not think it will happen for a long time anyway) with children of parents who are not married or just boyfriend and girlfriend etc.... Is that wrong of me? I do not judge them for their choices, I just do not agree with it morally, and I do not think that it is a good example for Libby. So time will tell...

I guess this sums up the fact that I am neurotic.

I took some advice posted here about my mom, and I really have just not been thinking about it. I am concerned because she tripped going into the kitchen tonight, and my insensitive poo head of a father does not realize that it is a symptom of the cancer on her brain. He is a big idiot anyway. So we go to the neurosurgeon at OSU next week. I just keep the hope for more time, lots more.

Friendship

I want to publicly thank my dear friend for being just that, a wonderful person and friend.

Although we were not close in high school we have developed a splendid relationship in the past four or five years. I know that I can trust her with my deepest darkest secrets that I usually only would share with my husband. I know that we can chat about concerns that include our other friends I and do not feel that I am gossiping or backstabbing. It is rare in life that you can find a true friend and this is what she is to me. I hope that she knows that.

As I journey through this crazy life the idea of friendship has evolved. As a school girl I just wanted to be with the in crowd. I begged my fashionably challenged mother for Guess jeans and Esprit shirts. Of course she obliged, she tried to give us anything we wanted. My mom is still that way, god bless her for it, anything for her girls.

Now as an adult I have just realized that I need to be me. Yes, I am still in school, an undergraduate even. We live in a small house in a moderately nice part of town. We drive a used car, and gasp I do not even have a cell phone. You know what though, that's me though. I have really grown to like me over the past year. We may not live in a new home and drive a new car but we are the kind of people that I always have wanted to be.

I hope that I can always stay this way.

Day One, week one, ten weeks to go.

Well mama and daughter have survived the first day of school. For Libby it was just meet the teacher day, but she did stay and play without me while I went to class. This is not what we planned, but her teacher said that she did great. I think I may have been the only mama to leave, but oh well, life calls. Thursday is her official first day so there will be lots of pictures and such to commemorate.

I started class today also. This is my first quarter going full time since my first go at college nine years ago. I think that I will be fine, but only time will tell. I am taking two history classes, and macroeconomics. Tomorrow is our first full day at the university together.

My mom called the doctor this morning, she goes in first thing tomorrow morning for and MRI of her brain. I am hopeful that we have caught this early enough that Gamma Knife will work. She said that she was tired today, but she did get lots of quality time snuggling with Libby on the couch.

Thanks to all my "friends" who have left messages, it makes a sad girl feel good! :)

Life, twists and turns...

These pictures of my mom, wow, she drove me crazy on vacation, but they are priceless. Just a few short weeks after we arrived home from Hilton Head we found out that her cancer had spread to her brain. It was a rough couple of months for her, and for the rest of us as well. Amazingly though, she was really beginning to feel better.

The past few days though she has been having the same "symptoms" that she began having on our beach trip. She is tired, so dizzy spells, and nausea. Being the automatic pessimist my mind begins to turn to the worst. I have been lying in bed for an hour, mind racing, unable to sleep.

I play out all kinds of scenarios in my head. Maybe she will not make it to Thanksgiving, Christmas, Libby's first dance recital. So now, I sit here in tears, on the eve of Libby's first day of preschool, and my first day back for fall quarter mentally preparing. For what? I can not answer that question. For anyone else who has dealt with a sick parent I imagine they have been in my shoes. My mom is only fifty two, that is so young. I have so much unfinished business with her, but with Stage four metatasitc cancer I know that our time is limited. What makes it more difficult possibly is her spirit and her belief that she will be cured. I know that this is how she copes, and I never would do anything to compromise that, but, I think that it makes it that much harder for me. She has all of these plans, and I know that she most likely will not get to live them out.

I think what scares me the most is her relationship with Libby. My baby loves her Nan so much. The bond between them is incredible. Knowing that heartache is going to occur in my daughters life just about kills my soul. I just want Libby to have her Nan for as long as possible. The sad thing is my grandmother is still living and is mean as hell, not because she is senile, she just is mean. She always has been. My little girl has a wonderful loving Nan that will lose so young, and I have a mean uncaring one that hangs around.

Enough rambling for tonight. If you read, keep my crazy mind in your thoughts.

Quiet Time

I dropped Lib off at my in laws this afternoon. They live an hour away, and this is the first time since February that she has stayed with them. I know that she is just fine, but it just seems so far away.

So here I am, all alone, not knowing what to do with my self. She is just my little buddy, and we spend most of our time together. I know there are days that I am begging for a break, but now that I have one I want her back.

I did however get to go to Old Navy in search of new jeans, and I did find some. It was nice to buy smaller clothes. I would love to be a ten or a twelve, so I am starting to work towards that goal. I also found a cute new shirt.

Hubby and I are going to a party at friends of ours home tonight. It is a Buckeye pregame party. I am not thrilled about going, but the host is one of my closest friends, and it would be rude to not go. I think I feel this way because this is the first "no children" party we have been invited too. I do not mind, but I do mind too, if that makes any sense? There is also a "dress code" of only Buckeye wear. I really am not a huge football fan, so they are going to have to settle for the colors.

Have a great Labor day weekend all!

Third Time is a Charm

The pictures, for real :)

Libby and her dance teacher.

Jumping off the diving board, my brave girl!

Okay people, I will figure this out eventually.

Sharing some pictures

New to blogging...

So I have done the "myspace" thing and, well, I feel much to old for it. The rantings of the last greatest party, and whom is seeing who has never really been my life, but I really do not fit into that crowd now. I figured everyone else is on blogspot, why not give it a try.

Life is beautiful as always. Being the mom of a creative, dreaming, and intelligent three year old is never dull. She has started dance class and I am so proud of her. She is well behaved and listens well and is having fun. I was skeptical sending her, but she had been asking for six months to a year. We have her at a really great studio, and she has the same teacher that I had growing up. She starts preschool next week, and is also pleased to be doing that.

There are times that I would rather just keep her home with me. This makes me question what I am doing finishing school also. Am I missing out on something by spending ten hours a week in class. What I am doing going to school learning to educate other children when mine needs educated? I tell myself in the long run that this is the right thing to do. I will be a better mom, and she will learn from example. Hubby has very high hopes of me landing a teaching job when I am done. I always make sure to keep the communication lines open that I may not want to teach full time. I know that I will have to work some to pay back school loans, but in this day in age children must come first, and he does feel the same. I am blessed to have such a wonderful, loving, caring, and supportive man in my life.

I think ideally I would love to become a history professor, but that will be many years of school down the road.