Fat....

So, I have put on 21 pounds since this time last year.....

I am not even sure how that happened, but I can tell you I can account for the last ten since finishing treatment and starting Tamoxifen.  I weigh today as much as I weighed the day I delivered Libby.  That is SCARY!

I would love to be one of those people who blamed it on Tamoxifen, but I just can't.   My weight gain is due to poor diet of too much food, a soda addiction, and like of activity.

I have realized I need to set goals for myself.

My goal for this week is to be consistent with weight watchers.  I need that visual reminder.

My goal for this month, ending November 16th is to 5% of my body weight.  It is a reachable goal.

I am tempted to ask for a clinical weight loss program, but I know what I need to do.

I have friends who have done diet trends, no carbs, advocare, raspberry ketones....  nothing wrong with any of those, but I need a long term plan.  Oh, and everything I read about the ketones is they turn to estrogen in your body....  a big fat NO for me!

Not enough hours in the day....

Work is slowly getting better, or maybe worse... I do not even know at this point.  I work a lot.  I am taking a little break from working to blog.

I have been feeling eh.  A little achy.  I am not overly concerned as the Tamoxifen bottle has a list of side effects a mile long.  I do head up at the end of the month for my first survivor-ship appointment.  Praying daily that things are good.

Michael and I got out and got some fresh air yesterday.  I didn't realize quite how much we both needed it.

The I 77 time warp...

Every year the drive home from Hilton Head gets longer. Yesterday we spent 14 hours traveling. 14 hours.... There was a stop at Chick Fil A for lunch and Bob Evans for dinner, and one potty break. Traffic was backed up and we went over a mountain. It rained and that slowed us down. We got home and Mike started opening two weeks of mail. Fun statement from the insurance company saying they did not cover my radiation.... take a breath.... in the amount of $98,000. Don't worry, we are not liable. If we were it wouldn't matter, who has that kind of money? Vacation, despite the exhaustion of being with a toddler and sand being everywhere was really wonderful. We have had a quiet day at home. Mike mowed, I went to the store, Michael took a good nap, clothes have been washed. Some highlights of vacation... 1. Seeing alligators in their natural habitat at the Savannah Wildlife Refuge 2. Driving in circles in Savannah looking for the Juliette Gordon Low home, only to realize on our fourth pass it was covered in scaffolding and tarps. 3. Driving over the mountain, seeing a battle field. 4. Having great family time. 5. Being able to talk about real concerns with a good friend and her getting it.

Letting Michael stand on the air conditioner to watch Libby and Mike swim.  Realizing later on that this second story window opens...parenting fail. 

Scooping at the beach.  We scooped a lot of sand. 

The kids had a lot of tents.... :)

Vacationing

It dawned on me this morning that this is the longest I have ever been away from our house... It is being stayed in as our dog is too old to travel for boarding, or even staying with family. Last week was wonderful. We live in such a fast paced world that it was good to just visit. Kids stayed in jammies, we drank coffee, and giggled way too much. Shannon was as always the impeccable host. I just wish she had reason to stay with us so I could return the hospitality. Libby and I spent the day at Williamsburg last Wednesday. We did it without tickets and while we had a good time we have all but planned a return trip over spring break with tickets. The only thing I can compare it to is a historical Disneyland. Regardless we felt we missed out on the learning parts. I still feel I made the right choice as one day would have been a poor use of funds. Our beach week has been interesting thus far. Michael has been very busy, so relaxing really isn't part of the plan. I wore my prothesis in the water (as the lady who sold them to me said I could) I have been squeezing salt water out of fake boobs for three days now. We went out to dinner Sunday evening. Libby choose Greek and our food was good. Michael was not content so we took turns going for walks. In regards to our condo, it is nice. The complex itself is nice too. The walk to the beach with all of our stuff and Michael is a bit much. They advertise a shuttle, but by the time we wait for it we could have aleady made the walk. We are on the ocean but behind a tidal marsh. I think we have decided that next summer we will be on the water... as in out the door and on the beach. We do get to look at some multimillon dollar beach front homes.... they rent weekly starting at $11,000..... We made the choice to stay in last night. I made a creamy tomato shrimp sauce that was delicous.... shrimp had been caught yesterday morning. We had corn on the side, a reminder that somethings are still better in Ohio. I would post pictures, but there is no SD drive on the computer I am using.

This boy

Has completely stole my heart.  He is happy, earnest, busy, fast, always hungry, milk loving, and always makes people smile.  What an amazing little man I have been blessed with.

What makes this picture all that much better is that he had just stole a cookie and was running under the tree to have a bm.....

A letter to my daughter

Libby,

We went shopping today.  You witnessed me try on clothes.  You witnessed me being unsure about this new body that I am living in.  You heard me fret over putting on four pounds.  I just sent you to bed, and I am filled with sadness that you watched me do all of these things today.

We live in a world that places a huge emphasis on the female bodies.  So much that right now since I do not fit the typical mold of a female body I struggle to find clothes.  I struggle to feel comfortable in my skin.  Give me time and understanding dear daughter as I want to set a better example for you.

I am so proud of my body.  It carried you for over nine months.  Each of those silvery lines across my stomach is a mark of beauty.  My arms held you.  My ears listened for each of your cries, your first laughs, words, and now the amazing ideas that you share.  My breasts fed you for fourteen months.  Those of some of the most wonderful and beautiful things the human body can do.

I want you to be proud of your body too.  Your strong muscles that pull you across the pool.  The brown dots that I have watch appear on you one by as you grow are marks of beauty.  Your infectious smile and sparking hazel eyes.   You are getting ready to enter years of your life where boys will notice you.  Be confident in who you are.  You do not have to be nearly naked in a bikini to get a boy to notice.  Be proud of your intelligence and use it.  God makes each of us perfect creatures.  You my daughter are perfect.

Know that as I change and you change that we are okay, perfect in our own ways.  Know that I made changes in my body for you, to be here for you.  My prayer for you is that you never have to make that choice.

My Libby girl, always know how much I love you.

Mama

Boobs.....

Now that I don't have them I feel like I spend an awful amount of time searching for new ones.  Today I am hung up on how one can be perceived as sexy/attractive without them.  I won't go any further as there is a good chance my dad/in laws/ and children will read this.  I will say that we as a society have an unreal fixation on breasts.  Me I just have nipple envy.

I still have not got the camera.  It is becoming an issue.  I just went through cancer treatment.  A girl deserves a trip to Disney, or a camera, or something.... right?!

I am going out tonight with the EDC.  That is a good thing!

The real reason I want a fancy camera

Now that I have shifted from the patient to survivor I am learning how to navigate many new feelings.  One of those feelings is the overwhelming fear that I am not going to get raise my children.  I have said it time and time again that although I miss my mother I am so grateful that she was here to raise us.  I have been harping on Mike that I want a fancy camera knowing fully we should not spend the money.  I mentioned it in front of my father and was soundly scolded.  I have a perfectly good point and shoot.  I want a very simple Canon digital single lens reflex.  I have this overwhelming need to take more pictures of the kids....  if I am not here I want them to see themselves the way I see them.  I know it seems silly, and I am sure my itty bitty power shot would capture them....  I guess I just want more.  I have a hard time talking about it, sometimes these fears are best left not spoken.

I have created a plan since I feel guilty over the money... I am selling stuff....

My day today summed up in a couple of cell phone photos...

AC 3 and AC 4

Well in the grand scheme of things AC wasn't too bad.  None of the tummy troubles that I had with AC 2.  The nurse recommended senakot and it worked.  I was tired, but I was out Christmas shopping a week later and feeling normal.  I felt great for Christmas.  

With that being said AC 4 has knocked me on my ass.  No other way to put it.  I am not throwing up, but I do have waves a nausea.  Compezine helps during the day, and I have been taking Ativan at night.  I am usually up by four to take more Ativan.   I also have been taking senakot to help combat the constipation that they anti nausea drugs cause.

I slept in the car on the way home Thursday, I dozed with Mikey on Friday, I dosed most of the day Saturday, and I took a good three hour nap this afternoon, and quite frankly I am still tired.  I did managed a load of laundry, and dishes, and made dinner today.  Needless to say I am tired of being tired.

No period this month either.  Memory loss has set it.  I can't remember stuff from one minute to the next.  Emotionally I am okay, not great, but okay.  It's hard when you just want your normal back, but know that it is a long term goal.  

AC cycle 2, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, early Sunday

They were really busy Thursday so we had a what a while.  I was a little bummed that my MO had never heard of the micro fat grafting, and didn't think it was a viable option for reconstruction, but we set up a consult with plastics alas for February.  The actual infusion went well today.  They ran the cytoxan 15 minutes slower per my request and the nasty sinus pressure didn't occur.  Something is still giving me a rocking headache, could be the zofran or the emend.  Which if it is those I'll take headache over puking.  I felt a little icky on the way home, and dinner tasted like bricks or sand, earthy?

Still had the headache Friday, but got a whole day of work plus in.  I had them push my Nuelasta shot a little slower as well, and it didn't burn.  Mike made pizza for dinner Friday night and it tasted pretty good.  I did start feeling a little gross Friday afternoon and took a compazine.  It worked.  Slight sleepiness, but no nap needed.

I got my head shaved Saturday morning.  Not much else to say about that.  Maybe I will eventually get used to being bald, but until then.  The wig is itchy, but Libby needs it to feel secure, and that's what mom's do, protect their babies.   I had to take another compazine Saturday afternoon, and I took an hour or so nap.  We went to a friends little boys birthday party, and ran to Best Buy as well.  I slept decent from 10 to 5, so I guess I can't complain.  I just took an Ativan a little while ago, so hopeful I can catch a few more winks soon.

My only concern is that there has been no number 2 (it's your fault if you have read this far!) since Thursday. That's not normal! Even with 2 to 3 stool softeners a day, so I think I am going to have to take things up a notch.  I suffered some extreme tummy yuck on Tuesday/Wednesday last time, and would like to avoid it.

Overall these first three days have been easier than last time.  We will have to wait and see how bad the crash is post steroids.

AC Cycle one, Saturday

It's 4 am Sunday morning, I can't remember if that makes Saturday day two or three, oh well.

I was also awake at 4 am yesterday.  I took a handy dandy little ativan then as well, so hopefully I will be back to dream land soon.  Yesterday I was able to eat part of a banana, and icing less cinnamon roll for breakfast with my steroids, stool softener, and vitamins.  Yum O!  We made to to the parade on time, and enjoyed the entire thing.  Even Michael with the help of suckers.  We ran to Joann's afterwords to get a gingerbread tree.  By the time we ate lunch around 1230 I was wiped out, and feeling a little puny so I took a three our nap.  I was up by 4, and we hung out the rest of the evening.  Food tastes good, but I am just not hungry.  I ate enough to take my evening does of steroids,  a new addition for yesterday and today.  The kids and I made the gingerbread tree, well Libby and I did, and just fed Michael bits of icing here and there.  I battled the headache again on and off today.  Going to attempt to attack it straight on this morning with a cup of coffee and two Advil.  I have never taken this many pills in my life....But if keeps the side effects away no complaints.
Back to see if I can sleep....

AC cycle one day 2

Friday
Got up took snythroid, ate banana, took steroids.
Worked a full day minus mid day break to shower.
Had mid afternoon headache, took two Advil and drake a small glass of coke.  Coke tastes bad.
Ate a strawberry Greek yogurt.  It tasted good, metal spoon tasted bad
Drank water.
Urine almost back to normal.
Was able to eat a couple of small pieces of pizza for dinner, and two cinna sticks which tasted good.
Nuelasta shot was eventful.
Was asleep on the couch by 7:30is :)
In bed by 8:30. Libby was watching toy story in our room. Don't remember.

Day one post chemo was manageable.  Slightly expecting for the table to drop.

AC cycle one day one

If you come here to read often you will have to forgive the mundane post.  I've decided I need to track my side effects, and I type better than I write, and Michael can't pick it up and hide it for weeks.

Drugs today:
Emend (anti nausea)
Zofran (anti nausea)
Dexamethasone (steriod)
Adryimiacin (Chemo)
Cytoxan (Chemo)
Heprin (to flush my port)
Saline (not a drug)

I took two advil tonight for a headache.  Not sure if it is chemo or caffeine related.

Before bed I will take and Ativan. (Anti anxiety, helps you sleep)  I'm tired so hopefully I will sleep well.

Side effects:
Nasty taste in mouth, metallic like
Funny feeling in nose at the end of cytoxan, nurse said that was common.
Headache
Small waives of nausea.  Nothing bad.  Leaving the house and getting out in the night air really helped.
For a little while this afternoon I just felt a little off.  Spacey.

No major complaints.  Praying.

An ode to my breasts...

I probably should have wrote this before surgery but alas here I am two weeks out.  The funny thing is I don't really miss them.  Do I miss filling out a shirt, a little.  I think the only thing I don't like is that post mastectomy they don't match.  Skin was left for when I am mentally ready for a new set, but the cancer side is smaller than the non cancer side.  I will not be ready for prosthesis until Christmas, so I guess instead of all I want for Christmas is my two front teeth I will be singing all I want for Christmas is two fake breasts.  I really only want those for special occasions where clothes call for it.  I'm still me, even without breasts.

My breasts served me well for twenty years.  It was a good run.  They got me too much attention during junior high and high school.  I am pretty sure Mike was pretty into them when he met me. Actually I'm almost positive he was into them until we discovered they were trying to kill me.  They filled out some pretty great bras that I just can't bare to part with.  Their proudest accomplishment was feeding my two children for a combined 26 months.  Even riddled with unknown cancer towards the end it was still producing milk before it was lopped off.   Amazing how the human body works.

So I guess my thoughts just make me different.  Good riddance I say.  I will say that I am concerned that my poor son with only ever remember mommy with fake ones and may or may not grow up with a fascination for silicone.

I am not a percent....

My rather inconsiderate neighbor just told Mike that I have a 50/50 chance of making it.  Seriously, really, come on.  How can you look at the man who's wife was diagnosed with breast cancer and say something like that.

To be truthful, I've looked at the statistics.  I KNOW what they say.  I lived in fear of those numbers for about forty eight hours and then said fuck it.  (I can say that word now) I can not live through this being a statistic.   After Mike told me,  I said I've always been a good student, so let's hope for the best.

We do not have a stage, or a grade, or even know if this has spread.  My neighbor is not what one would call an educated person, but still.

I'm not worried about prognosis.  I've had to very quickly face my mortality.  I could just as easily get in a car accident tomorrow.  It happens.  I'm worried about getting through this surgery, recovering, getting through treatment, recovering, and taking care of my family.

So, if I make the evening news, you all know I popped her one.

It's an itching fear....

I'm covered in hives... my neck, my chest, my back.  I nearly had a panic attack when I realized I forgot my antihistamine when the man and I were away last night.  Nothing says romantic anniversary get a way like a wife digging at her skin.  I wish these bumps were just that, but they are not.  My lovely redness comes from some pretty heavy anxiety.  From the new job? Oh, how I wish.  My little red friends are coming from the results of an abnormal mammogram and ultrasound.   I'm calling it the breast who betrayed me.  I found a lump while still nursing at the end of July.  Actually, the man found it, insert blush here.  I had it checked, we took a wait and watch approach.  Alas, it is still here at the end of September, so I made the call.   I had my first ever mammogram on Friday.  It really wasn't that bad.  Since I can feel the said invader it wasn't a surprise when the digital screen showed a nice sized glow.  The let down came when I got to sit around in a lovely hospital issue bathrobe and wait for the radiologist to come and share that it had abnormal edges and that it needed a biopsy.  It gets even more fun when you get the privilege of waiting an entire weekend to schedule said biopsy.
To say that I am freaking out would be an understatement.  Every possible thought has gone through my head.  Every.possible.thought.  The reality of it not being BAD is 80%.  Still the invader that left my life five and a half years ago when my mom passed seems to be knocking on my door.  That's the problem, I know too much.  I've seen too much.  I was only the passenger in that journey, but I don't care to be the driver on that road.  The entire time the radiologist was talking to me my inner voice was on full volume screaming BUT I AM ONLY 32, I HAVE TWO BABIES!!!!!!!!!

I've spent some time praying these past few days.  It dawned on me this morning that I can pray and pray that it is not cancer, but the reality is, that if it is, it's already there.  There's not a thing anyone can do to change that.  I can pray that I calm down.  I can pray that the nurse does call me in the morning.  I can pray for the doctors who will do the biopsy and reading.  I can pray for my husband, and my kids.  I can pray for the strength to tell my dad.  So, if it is bad, the bad has already happened. And if its good I can be an advocate for women to have things checked out.

Baby boy time has gone to quick

My baby will be one year old tomorrow.  My sweet little guy who has filled our lives with so much joy and happiness.  He's the boy that you look at and you just can't help but smile.  My little surprise after so many years.  Happy birthday sweet boy.  The world is in your hands, we can't wait to see how you will change it.

Bucket List Update

I feel the need to update, so I have copied and pasted our bucket list below and I shall add some notes!

Swim
Yes, we have swam.  Unfortunately I feel we spend too much swim team time at the pool and not enough just swim time at the pool.  I hope to change that this week!  Swim team is going well though and my little swimmer continues to develop her skills.  

Read
I have read three books and I am looking for more titles.  Libby has checked out about 50 different books from the library in the past three weeks.  She has been devouring anything about ancient Egypt and Greece.  This week she has shifted gears and got some American Girl books and is currently reading through each dolls six book series.  The problem, or not problem is that she finishes all six books in a day.

Sleep in
We have been doing a little sleeping in.  Not as much as this mommy would like.  This mommy has a baby again though so I'll take what I can get.

Encourage Libby to develop her writing skills more
Not yet.  I opened up her blog the other day but she wasn't really interested.  I think I may give her some writing prompts.

Go to the Beach
Not yet, not sure?!?

Visit grandparents
This weekend.

Visit Cousins
YTBD

Use up are supply of craft materials (that little brother discovered this week)
Not enough.  Must get on pinterest to be inspired.

Catch lightning bugs
A few.  I think they may have all perished from the heat.

Spend time with friends and not call it a play date
Yes, not as much as this mom would like.  We have had some impromptu playtime none the less.

Go on dates with my husband
One date.  Need more.

Find a teaching job
Praying that I get a call tomorrow.  Went on an interview.  Have a small internal love affair with the position.  Will be disappointed if I do not hear anything.

Camp
Not yet.

Eat vegetables from our garden
I think this should happen within the next week!


We also made a trip to Slate Run farm to see the animals.  I need to do more with my loves. 

Summer Bucket List

Lib and I were talking about this summer and these are the things we would like to happen before we go back to school in August....

In no particular order

Swim
Read
Sleep in
Encourage Libby to develop her writing skills more
Go to the Beach
Visit grandparents
Visit Cousins
Use up are supply of craft materials (that little brother discovered this week)
Catch lightning bugs
Spend time with friends and not call it a play date
Go on dates with my husband
Find a teaching job
Camp
Eat vegetables from our garden


I'm sure we will be able to add more soon.

Growing up

2009 was an interesting year for me. The best part of 2009 was that I think I may have finally grown up. I have had to do some real soul searching, I still am, but I have finally turned a corner on this road we call life.

I have had many new people enter life. I am working on getting to know people better. I am working on making new friends, not my strong point, and shedding some old ones that do nothing but make me feel bad about myself. Why are women like that? Why are women mean?

I'm not perfect. Far from it actually. I stink at being a homemaker. I have Martha Stewart visions on a Goodwill budget and a procrastination shopper card with high points. I value things like an education, being kind, and learning to not talk about others behind their backs. I am learning to take the high road, and that sometimes it is just better to keep your mouth shut.

I hope to forge some new friendships this year with wonderful women that I have met. Women who care about their kids, their marriages, their God. Women who can accept each other for their perfections and imperfections. Women who come from different backgrounds. Women who don't care if you have a Coach person, or if you do, if you live in a mansion or a shack.

I spent a lot of years trying to be something I was not. This year I just plan on being me. Thirty is not so bad after all.